the past few days my ties to reality have been nebulous. i doubt its a phase, more like a cycle these days though i thought i had outgrown my old self. its kind of like i've become the crazed kid eyes locked for concrete miles starring off at some distant hope trying to rebuild after some immanent hurricane. i dont know if i am dying faster now that i had been before. its a sad kind of thing. i tried to make myself into something else, change of clothes, change of pace, change of mind change of face, but i feel like a ghost trolling for some skin, tailing a body walking below. it may be withdrawal from the caffeine that makes the mornings long stretching to the late afternoon and my head and hands tremble with every burst of blood or short quick flicker of life. maybe its from the alcohol or amphetamines. but i havent drank in weeks since i became so sick of myself. i havent been high since i last played guitar, and that was a week ago, they were just over the counter. i have been sitting in the same place for 8 hours and have done nothing. thats what makes me sad. i wrote a few poems, wrote part to my novel, studied begrudgingly, ate food, drifted around. i just need a release. its because there is so much subconscious stress. i know what i want to do with my life but i am not good enough at it to do it for a living. i dont want to go on to do anything but at the same time i want to change everything. i have never had a gf, i am just a silent kid sitting in the barrel of a gun, i let everyone else make the noise i keep so quiet, and when i say something at all its just an echo of something already said. no one knows of my madness. everyone suspects it, yet no one would want to decipher how terribly abstract ive become. when i speak i speak in such abstraction these days that people dont want to even talk to me. when i listen to people talk, its such a waste of words, trite commonplace used and misused, used and over used, used and not used. everything is gutter prose. i mean not to commend myself, but to point out feelings of ostracization. oh well ill eat cake.