i have been starving for the little bits of inspiration in my day to day. and enveloped in that darkness of self loathing and pity that often comes when you live in a basement and disregard much of everything you must do i realized that which is common sense, i have made myself this way. well thats ok. sometimes its good to grieve for the death of a former self. i keep making it up anyway, and i have been forgetting who i am with every breath so its something like the death of a stranger at this point. on the topic: someone i barely knew died last week. it was one of those things where you think you should be sad but you arent quite too sure what you should be feeling so you just kind of feed off the general malaise around you. i would feel fake if i shed a tear for someone whose name i only know. thats probably because in all my years of breathing and glowing i have never opened up to anyone. i dont think i ever cared about anyone, anyone that who isnt my family, anyone who i know would call me to see if im still ok, but they never do. which brings me to say i am sad that everyone i meet is stuck inbetween everything. i came across a girl who sits like an anchor around my chest, but at the same time i could say i will see you go, and so be gone. but then when she is speaking with other guys i feel betrayed. and i ask her who else is trying to love you. and she kisses me. and i feel then like i imagine Jesus did when judas kissed him, but not in the same way. i was going to ask her to dinner but that was someone i knew a long time ago. i guess i should invent, invent, invent, invent like everything else.

two years ago i saw a road sign that said speed limit 65 i was going 90 and thought about driving into the cement barrier that divided the highway from the wilderness. no one would get it though and i wouldnt be around to tell anyone--that being the main idea at the time.