im feeling that i could live alone. i belong in some seasoned state of absence. living as a telescope to microscopically confess everything that is questioned. its when i work myself into destructive situations. all of everything that my parents have instilled come with all my joy and sorrow, to inculcate and brand on my mind with their love with their laughter, its the exact same feeling of sudden sinking when you find that youve wronged, or sinned all along. were relatively lost in a relative struggle to maintain our stance to reposition again as a new old plan to reignite the fires of passion to burn the world to a funeral dirth to ashes in urns to sit on some mantel where we watch and learn that passing love is all that matters all that death in selfless action. preaching the sameness.

manifesto on self help.
oh child did you know you are worth something
even in our lack of brilliance when you are kicked to the ground when you are up on a fence when youre feeling within that violent struggle, to place in a pan you heart and your hands to do as the devil or God would command im feeling so heavy like a summers dream coming over me between the 6 pointed leaves and talk so brief of what we discovered about the last supper.
when you dont own up to what you'd become or wished to see still seems to be staring back in every reflection in glass or water. to cleanse this sober. so im coming clean from this misery im repleding my heart over to the bedpan stoved as a waiting stricture, to get the picture. is it that im grieving for my own persistence of bad ideas. and know that what happened there in that hospital bed was nothing more than a act of instint but nothing happened, nothing happened there. as you lied back down and shut your mouth saying please stop kissing my neck here this isint happening i didnt enter my name in that page to write i love you dear, lets make dinner.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2241950/liveforsummer

i need to see the brighter things in life. every attempt to make music results in happiness turned sour. i cannot create anything joyful. there is always sadness or anger in it. i just want to cope. in many ways music is how i do cope. i have purchased a video gaming system. after 1 day i dont want it anymore. it disrupts my mind thinking of music and writing music. i used to wake up singing songs and i would write a song almost every day right after i woke up. i still do. but i have stopped drinking caffiene. my music is disoriented now. when i drink it comes in a flood. when i am high on mild amphetamines things get deep but the music is shallow. i feel it matters but thats what intoxication does. my teeth feel like they are coming out of my head. and crashing i can finally find sleep. i want to let myself go. i need to find a girl who just lets go too. i wonder why fate has been so unkind. i dont know how to put myself out there i guess. i am going to play shows this year. as many as possible. get a band started and start flowing.

right now i am sittng precariously in the cool comfort of the in between--a comfort that is rife with a restlessness and anticipation of something of anything but at least it makes me realize i am here and it is now. faced with some existential crisis yet again i am only 22. when i was a child i used to say childish things but not that i am a man i still think of childish things. logic, right? the key to intelligence and transcendence. its a delta. my life is. right now streams and rivers are converging and emptying into one big sea of uncertainty. and i must sail it then find some estuary to let down my anchor again. i was going up stream to recollect everything i missed in years 5-21. and so my heroquest has scome to an end it seems. i want to keep both doors open. that is my problem. the hall way is always too wide or too narrow so i am in both or neither rooms. maybe it is because i have contemplated death and my own in far too much detail. i am consumed by that perspective to some extent. what everyone thinks is deep and philosophical is really trite and dead end cognition. i forget what it feels like to have things matter. so now there is pressure on the hinges. i dont know what to do. my heart tells my head a cognitive dissonance and so they meet somewhere inbetween and speak those little lies to me like the impossible is not an impossibility. who knows where ill be, i need to figure out how to be happy in the present.