people think they know things you don't. they make a mountain out of a mole hill whenever they can to shove your face in the dirt and pile dead weights to your already battered and sinking heart. they say"you mean this" or "you mean that" or "actually that is not right" you just smile and let it burn, i do. i think it is laughable. the incessant talking head with nothing to anchor its lofty, ever rising, prostitute of a human brain. selling space for egoism. laughable. sincerely humorous. (they will have their facts and no one to share them with. it is the principle of it all) a gadfly raging with ceaseless, nonplus facts and arbitrary melodies, endlessly eating away at your sanity, lays their eggs of perpetual motion, perpetual, bothersome activity beneath your skin. they hatch and crawl around beneath, growing ever larger with steaming, boiling blood and rage. why get angry at such simple things. i used to stay below it all, in a deep blue jail. life felt cool, and damp there. i am still learning to feel again. getting mad at things is a joke. i am scared today. i read elliott ithought about leaving a lot. it is a shame. i never knew how far he had gone before he stepped through the gates of ends. i think abandoned all hope when i entered into myself.once you crawl in and forget about everything its a long way back. i said to newt the other day, "what does it all mean" he replied "it is about spiders and lemmings" i said "newt, you are a fool and a thief! Dr. Hoeniker invented that months ago! how can you drop eves on such a brilliant man and claim his nobel prize!?" newt stared back with stale slate eyes, dull and lifeless, "do you think that old bag hoeniker invented something like spiders and lemings on his own? really, such a ingenious philosophy was not conceived by one man, alone, locked in his basement for a year to contemplate all of everything. i invented it over a trip with Paul on a visit to london." "Paul is involved in this!?" i said. "well, really it was me, he suggested the spider--thats like him you know" said newt "you know how he does tend toward the arachnids--quite curious really." still such a raw philosophy is too premature for revealing, i know this too. but it was the fact he mentioned it that made me connect the lines in my head and the ripples grew. i leaned back in my 40 dollar plastic desk chair and, time quake. there are circles within circles, how moronic and nearsighted i can be sometimes. newt just laughed, ayn did too. she said the humor derived from my limited intellect and the scales on my eyes made paul laugh so hard she could hear the echoes in new york. i am not much a fan of a hyperbole. ayn does it anyway. i was living in the middle of nowhere then--it was the fall of 2008, it was the second revolution of my circle. i have yet to determine how long my outer circle takes to complete one revolution. i would say that it is 16 years. that is when motion stopped. and subsequently it began again on an epistemological journey. i wonder where the travelers rest. i am not a particularly patient man. my two year revolutions are bearable, and quite frankly i remain ever pessimistic and frustrated at my nearsighted approach to life. i was living it, i am living it, but i missed it completely. just think of the things i could have invented in my head--social constructs, a blueprint to save myself and the world. my dissertation was delayed four years. im not sure how long it will be until it clouds drip into ink and form on paper a meaningful moan and complaint on life. it serves me right being solitary. waiting never helps anyone. it only makes them wiser and more tolerant. it is paradoxical, they hate it. i do. maybe i am too priggish. too confidant. yes. all too confidant in fact. how do you like that newt! you are always lifting the clever little things i invent and calling them your own as if all of us here are a collective brain trust at your disposal, your private crutch to hold you up atop the rest of humanity. well. as you know i have a history of katherines. ayn remarked that i am a man with no sense of direction. she gifted me a compass and circular spectacles for my birthday last april. "hopefully that gets you on track with life, and the other, you are always blind to the best of things that sit right in front of you" i doubt ayn has ever been wrong with such things. hopefully history never repeats itself again but learns from its mistakes and builds on it self to something greater. i was never asked to anything. i dont think it is because i am an esoteric soul. i think it is because i lack the refinement necessary to hold anyone close, and have anyone desire to come anywhere near me. if i told you a secret, hoeniker would say, i knew it all along, newt would already know because he always steals things of value from hoeniker, ayn would find out, call paul, paul would send his deriding laughter over the pond and i would be sulking. i hope there is a new queen. i know who she may be. it curious thing about attraction is, when you convince yourself of the initial notion, the irony is you are always late. i should have stayed north and wore my glasses.