i realized today what i had forgot about since last april, that the sooner you recognize yourself for who you are and what you are capable of the sooner you will be somewhat happy in knowing where you are going to go or where you can go or at least have some semblance of an ideal of how your next step will meet the ground, and the one after that, and the one after that. everyone thinks they're a pro, or , rather, illusioned masses of people believe their school of thought is the best because oft he results it produces. i have heard relativism is one of the greatest evils of the world, specifically the 21st century (yes it was from on of those schools of thought). the thing is, not everyone is the same, and accordingly not everyone has the same desires, feelings, ideas about things--correct me if i am wrong (oh wait there cant ever be a wrong perspective! a triumphant victory of relativism) but unique perspectives, add flavor to life, it makes it interesting, worth being apart of and embracing. hell, if everyone was the same we'd be rooted in traditionalism...not that that's bad but i like to live somewhat comfortably in the modern world. having said that, i heard elliott say something that at first made me get start toward the ladder to climb up a smug pedestal but then i realize he was right. responding to an interviewer among the things he said was a sure way to fail was killing your emotions. i always thought a logical approach to things was the most sure way to succeed. but elliott is right. the man majored in political science and philosophy at Amherst. i am just a political science major who dabbles in philosophy and literature at notre dame. im trying to do something, like elliott, i dont like for 4 years. but in the end, we both are cowards. still i realize the necessity for logical thought. in order to achieve a lifestyle where i can pay off my debt and sever my ties to a life to hard, gut grinding, work i need to succeed logically now, and fail to be true to myself. the more i thought about it i realized i was always rushing for fools gold. but once i found some splinter of myself, i could never go back. and i cant now. we live constructively and progressively. everything must play its part. i forget i am alive sometimes. the times when i am not in the belly of a whale with a deep blue jail around me, floating somewhere between the notes climbing up and down some lonely cleft every day. its a medicine that causes more illness. i can tell its no good just because, but if that makes me human then why try to deny that the small bit of felicity i found in it. people will say, you should live this way if you want to be this or that. they say dont do that or this, or that, or whatever. its because they think in terms of checks and x's. they want some pie in the sky at the end of the day. really, its just that you finally get what you tell yourself you so desperately need/want. with death you get something greater than life. somehow through living by some set of rules and lifestyle you can make the portal to everlasting life open up by dieing. you have to live like a tailor. it makes me laugh. no one can ever know for sure, thats why people do it. because they would rather be safe than sorry in the long run, even after multiple trials and errors. its because people want to want something they can never have because without it there would be no incentive to live past realizing that very concept. eventually we just get sick of it.i guess it makes sense, thats why old people are religious. everyone counts on tomorrow to bring some change that they cant administer themselves. some people never realize it or crawl into themselves. i'd like to think that i wasnt a child even now, but i am. id like to believe i could forget about things i care about that other people think are a waste, but i cant, not right now anyhow. plans.maps.instincts. stars. thats what guides a ship straight. i guess we can interpret the prerequisites however we want.