right now i am sittng precariously in the cool comfort of the in between--a comfort that is rife with a restlessness and anticipation of something of anything but at least it makes me realize i am here and it is now. faced with some existential crisis yet again i am only 22. when i was a child i used to say childish things but not that i am a man i still think of childish things. logic, right? the key to intelligence and transcendence. its a delta. my life is. right now streams and rivers are converging and emptying into one big sea of uncertainty. and i must sail it then find some estuary to let down my anchor again. i was going up stream to recollect everything i missed in years 5-21. and so my heroquest has scome to an end it seems. i want to keep both doors open. that is my problem. the hall way is always too wide or too narrow so i am in both or neither rooms. maybe it is because i have contemplated death and my own in far too much detail. i am consumed by that perspective to some extent. what everyone thinks is deep and philosophical is really trite and dead end cognition. i forget what it feels like to have things matter. so now there is pressure on the hinges. i dont know what to do. my heart tells my head a cognitive dissonance and so they meet somewhere inbetween and speak those little lies to me like the impossible is not an impossibility. who knows where ill be, i need to figure out how to be happy in the present.