i need to see the brighter things in life. every attempt to make music results in happiness turned sour. i cannot create anything joyful. there is always sadness or anger in it. i just want to cope. in many ways music is how i do cope. i have purchased a video gaming system. after 1 day i dont want it anymore. it disrupts my mind thinking of music and writing music. i used to wake up singing songs and i would write a song almost every day right after i woke up. i still do. but i have stopped drinking caffiene. my music is disoriented now. when i drink it comes in a flood. when i am high on mild amphetamines things get deep but the music is shallow. i feel it matters but thats what intoxication does. my teeth feel like they are coming out of my head. and crashing i can finally find sleep. i want to let myself go. i need to find a girl who just lets go too. i wonder why fate has been so unkind. i dont know how to put myself out there i guess. i am going to play shows this year. as many as possible. get a band started and start flowing.