precarious winds how they push and pull you in place. i dont know if i am not down enough or too far over to really think anything worth while, i forgot to take care of that part of myself so i just sit and complain about everything i dont understand or want to be wished i was or could have been. i know people are always the same, and it makes me sick. cant i just flow ok, i dont want to be that way. i dont want to be human i suppose. but i dont know what to be. so accept the subpar relationship with the world. you cant sit and think to yourself every day every evening every night about the world and how humans are sick things. i did for 2 years and it took me 2 years to remember how to be alive again. i am 17 years old again. but the long long storm started dropping rain when i was 1 and could remember the north east snow. i just wanted to make it all stop. so when i do and just stare back at myself or inside a pitch black cell, cob web corridors of my own prototype i realize i dont want to do anything at all. so you occupy your brain with every little thing you can to forget about what you see and feel. its not that i chose to be this way. i was born sad i suppose. people talk about stress like its commonplace, they talk about all this psychological diseases and disorders that they create so they can create drugs to sell to these people suffering from faux illness. its perception. we can change everything. beyond our wildest imaginings we can create whatever it is we like. so we do and let ourselves be swallowed whole by potentialities. its a blessing and a curse. why do i write why have i worked toward anything at all? people do not like my music, people dont care about what i have to say, people dont care i am alive most of the time. they say they do but you dont enrich them any, nor do they you. they are just proof you are something, a commodity that can offer them a self-maximizing opportunity. so people spend their lives wallowing in this fucked up cycle of using and being used to have more for other people to use so they can have more poeple to use from. its simple simple logic. if you sell yourself short to it all and subscribe to this model this complex framework of users you become used and a user of everyone. once you have amassed significant product or worth people will want to associate with you because you are valuable and can offer a great deal of opportunities or amenities to use. the greater the value the more users flock to you. simple math. get it? right you do because you do it. how can you escape form this? i have asked. so if you are intelligent enough you will ask too. i suspect it is to do what is most logical, change your perspective. foolishly simple, i am aware, but it is most efficient and logical. you cannot change people physically, yet you can in your mind as the world around you.