i decided its too late for me. i must go play mnusic. fuck the system. i meant it in ultimate terms. i am going to go to iu law school because its ranked 23 and its cheap for me due to scholarship reasons hopefully and va benefifts. then i shall write all the while, regarding my school work but nonetheless being committed to the finer aspects of life ie. music and writing. i decided this. i am not going to waste my life being some fucking white collar fucker
fuck that. man. illdo waht i willst. indeed.

soo writing and music. say you?
yes.
indeed, propose to me the idears behind this my good chap.
right, well i wrote two years ago if you remember correctly the philosphy of spiders and lemmings otherwise known as the philosophy of greed AND how every human can have purpose. i figured it out onenight as i was about to drift off to the netherland of sleep, i decided that people are beautiful despite them being sick nasty mcabre things at their core so i said that people should matter. and my theory makes everyone matter, but some ppl more. because frankly not everyone is equal. we;re worth more to society however fuckedup it is. that is why i wrote. i am writing about htat about how we are worthless if we arent"successful" ie capitalist cut throat pigs. we must be. i mean it is good for the "system: ie the world but its bad too for humanity so i decided that i would change it. and soomeone must be a savior a messiah for this to occur again. but JC issupposed to come and be like look the wolrkd is at peace when everyone believes the same thing the world will be so. but they are all incentivixed by things by money by what things money can buy ppl. its sad. so the story goes. any way i wrote a story i say. i did it. in my head its not on paper but its there,. and so i was depressed for 4 years and thoguht abt dieing alot and suicide and how pointless it was and all the what ifs i do go to hell i wouldnt want it. so i decided to live. and now i dont know if i want the christian heaven. to be honest. i mean i love God for my life but i am a capitalist at principle and GOd is not. so we would likely not get along i think, but i care for people. at least i say i do becase i need to to exist to be human. ahhhhh seee the system says that. the system says "good human like human" i do i like ladies. but in reality most ppl piss me off because they are so shallow. and sad. and sick. i am too. according to what standards>????? huh huh????/ i should have gone out. any ways it is so. i say ppl should be nice. and so the world is good then. kants moral imperative. i can remember this when i am drunk but no wehre else. its like my mind has split in two and decided certai things will be remembered only drunk and othersnot. so my memory is rediculous drunk. i remember everyones name everywhere i go everything i do mostly. but wish i didnt sometimes like pissing on the floor of the perkins bathroom when cops are int he lobby. or drinking too much and puking my guts out. gross. very uncivil. i dont understand how to be a good friend. i am nice to ppl but no one wants to hang out with me no one calls me up and is liek hey nick what up man lets chill, smoke cigs or drink or play music, or go do this or that or whatever. idk ishouldnt care. maybe its because i fuckedup my life being depressed for so long. i didnt know what humans normally do for things. what do we do? i just observed. i realize now i should have been an anthro major. but i am a poli sci. i took the lsat today i am hopeing i scored int he 160's but i feel i did bad. idk i shoudl cancel. law school isnt for me. i could be a lawyer but its not what i want to be. a preist isnt either. i dont like organized religion. i believe in God and JC but why do we need these ceremonial brain washing things? it makes God seem cheap. idk. brb. sooon.