i do not want forget that i hate myself. everyday i am reminded of my self loathing. it is better for me to disassemble myself and rebuild the correct way. i forgot what it meant to be human for 2 years. looking back it was hell i almost did not survive myself numerous times. but my heart is stubborn and beats me to near death and to death one day, my lungs are hungry and selfish, bottomless wells consuming oxygen with no regard for me they say i should endure. for what. i asked for death. and it would not come. so i wait. something must be done. i see people's lives pinnacle around me then after acquaintance they fall slowly away. for i took what it was to be learned. so i wait. half convinced of the felicity that worries are far from my head. partly convinced by the torment that they will swallow me in my sleep. partly convinced by the people who care that i am worth something. partly convinced that if there is love i will let it stay hidden because my heat beats me so, my lungs are too hungry. still i do not live for my own sake any longer. yet i must subscribe that i do so i can endure. i cannot exist. i must not. yet i do. then can it be seen. the heart of love that is selfish too. it requires a disregard. one that is willfully given and given in a receiving manner. for then can you understand what it is that makes humanity so wondrous. only from with the ascension from the gates of ends could i see it so. the action is the same but your soul decides how it is to be precieved. i will wait for______.